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Home | Worst Britons


In January 2003 we had the idea of doing a 'Worst Britons' poll, to form the basis for a satirical article in our next book. Then, after we'd put the competition up on this website we found out that Channel 4 were doing the same thing - and even using the same name (the only difference was that their Britons had to still be alive). We thought that had blown our idea, and promptly forgot about the online poll we had set up, though meanwhile plenty of people voted online. Channel 4 broadcast their results and it was so piss weak (Jordan coming in at no. 2...) that we thought we'd kick ours off again.

The polls closed on the 30th of May and the results will be published here soon, and in our new book that'll be out in June. We'll also be publishing the funniest and most brutal reasons for your votes so look out for them!

Some of the suggestions people have already made are shown below. We're not endorsing the statements made about them either so no complaints please! For example a few people have defended Adam Smith as a revolutionary intellectual but you've voted for him so we've left him.

NB: We've had some complaints that there aren't enough women or ethnic minorities suggested in our poll so please bear that in mind when voting! Oh and thanks to everyone whose voted already and whose rants we've nicked for the site.

Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) - the man whose invasion of Norway failed because the Germans got there first, and whose invasion of Ireland was called off under pressure from the Americans. He taught the world how to deal with dissidents and "uncivilised tribes" by dropping mustard gas on the Kurds - the first use of weapons of mass destruction.
Margaret Hilda Thatcher (1925 - 2003) - synonymous with selfish me-me-me politics, the Poll Tax, the Falklands War, yuppies, 'enterprise culture', the miners etc etc
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair (1953 - ?) - A coward and a moral weakling who is susceptible to the influence of deranged and intellectually retarded "superiors".
Oswald Mosley (1896 - 1980) - upper class playboy and leader of the failed British Union of Fascists party
Adam Smith (1723 – 1790) - Philosopher and economist credited with inventing the concept of free trade and market economics in his book "The Wealth of Nations", though defended by some as simply describing, not condoning these concepts.
Oliver Cromwell (1649-1658) - Puritan, tyrant and killer of people. Possibly indirectly responsible for the emergence of capitalism (the protestant ethic or something). Invaded Ireland and responsible for much of the conflict today. Banned Christmas!!! Redeeming feature: killed monarch.
David Sainsbury (1940 - ) - epitome of the creeping cancer within British Government. Outspoken supporter and investor in GM technology and current Science Minister. No conflict of interests there then.
Robert the Bruce (1274 - 1329) - bloodthirsty murderer, who is celebrated today on the basis that his most prominent victims were English. His invasion of Ireland, and vicious blood-feuds in Scotland are rarely mentioned.
Edward Longshanks (1272-1307) - bloodthirsty murderer, who is celebrated today on the basis that his most prominent victims were Scottish.
Ian Paisley (1926 - ) - Fountain of hate, Abu Hamza with a Dog Collar, why is he not banished from preaching. If he were a Muslim the British propaganda machine would have torn his character apart and then he would be tortured in Cuba and imprisoned for life.
Robert Peel (1788 - 1850) - The man who managed to obtain public funding for the biggest street-gang in the country - the police! His uniformed Neanderthals have roamed the country since.
Henry Morton Stanley (1841 - 1904) - The man responsible for most of the Africa's ills to this day. Honored for of all things, finding a single white man (the only other white person in inland Africa) from amongst several thousand black people plus his very large retinue (with the help of hundreds of press-ganged guides, porters, and interpreters). How long would you take to find an outlandishly attired green man in England?
Michael Howard (1941 - ) - godfather of the Criminal Justice Bill, just the man having once said "I know what causes crime; criminals!". Simple!
Captain Cook (1728-1779) - Hoisting the jolly roger for British imperial colonisation and picking up some choice booty along the way.
'Hanging' Judge Jeffreys (1648 - 1689) - made a name for himself by hanging most of the rebels who had fought against the reign of James II in the 17th century
Matthew Hopkins (1620's - 1647) - Perhaps the most famous witch hunter of 17th century Britain. During his short career he had between 200 and 400 people executed for witchcraft.
John Lennon (1940 – 1980) - The racist, misogynistic, misanthropic author of the most turgid slice of doggerel ever to pass itself off as a vision of utopia: 'Imagine'. The line 'Imagine no possessions' might have been believable coming from someone who had a few less millions. His publicity-seeking antics embarrassed the movement against war in Vietnam, and the kicking he gave to his best friend Stuart Sutcliffe probably contributed to the poor lad's death from a brain haemorrhage a couple of years later. So he was a murderer as well.
Prince Philip (1921-) - The epitome of arrogance, ignorance, a toff whose racist remarks should have had him exiled to work in a sweatshop in India many years ago. A shame of our nation. We should make an example of him...who wouldn't like to see him being chased by a pack of hounds?
Lord Elgin (1766-1841) I'd have to say that another worst Briton is Lord Elgin, who was partly responsible for the Opium Wars in china. the Chinese didn't want opium grown in their country but the brits wanted it for trading(surprise, surprise) so on a diplomatic visit to the Chinese palace thingy, he started a fire which burnt it down. What a selfish cunt, statesmen never change do they??
Julie Burchill (1959 - ) - And let's not forget Julie Burchill. This hippo-like coke-head Tory and failed parent spends most of her time writing self-righteous rants that the Guardian publishes in order to be 'ironic'. Only a posturing Middle Class wanker would really think it's romantic to have a shit life and have to work in a factory for shit wages, so there you go.
Paul Dacre (1949 - ) - As editor of the Daily Hate Mail he's partly responsible for the increasing level of racial tension in this country and making the right-wing petty bourgeoisie think that they actually have an intelligent viewpoint, which they obviously don't. Oh yeah, and my mum reads the fucking mail and I have to listen to the shit she reads in that rag, so hang the bastard! And get Tichmarsh to dig his grave and throw him in after...sorry, I've had a boring day!!
Other Nominees
Rebecca Wade - Editor of the Sun, nuff said.
Jack Straw -
Protects our freedoms by taking them away and gave the cops "special powers" to keep us all safe.
Jeremy Clarkson
- for services to the environment.


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