AND FINALLY

SchNEWS wishes to issue a humble apology to all the police we’ve unfairly maligned over the years. Apparently the boys in blue’s over-zealous friskiness with the boots, truncheons and tasers isn’t ‘cos they’re the front-line of state repression after all. It’s because the poor dears are getting their brains fried by microwave energy when they’re sat in their paddy-wagons.

According to an article in Jane’s Police Review - the ‘UK’s best-selling policing title’, “‘Police behaviour at the G20 protests in London could have been caused by the frequency used by the officers’ Airwave radios interfering with their brainwaves’, one expert has said.”

So what turns yer average easy-going liberal bobby from helping old ladies across the road into an armoured truncheon wielding stormtrooper? “Officers were waiting in metal vans for hours, and their Airwave radios effectively turned the vehicles into microwaves. Airwave radios send out microwaves at a greater rate than the brain’s natural rhythm, which controls decision making in emergency situations. If you put waves through the brain, you end up with entrainment, which makes you do something you are not programmed to do.”

Next up we expect to see police violence excused on grounds of poor Feng-shui (insert gag here excess Gamma Rays etc) inside New Scotland Yard. Stay tuned!