AND FINALLY

Chill out everyone – climate change is about to meet a higher power. Residents of the Swiss Alpine villages of Fieschertal and Fiesch have asked for blessings from the Pope to stop their glacier from melting. Why didn’t we think of that?

Now the idea that the God of the Catholic Church (which only got around to apologising in 1992 for burning folks with the insolence to say that the world was round) is gonna intervene in global warming and rising sea levels makes about as much sense as, well, their whole religion. But then these Swiss villagers have got history on their side... 

You see back in the heady days of the late 17th century (1678 to be exact), the villages asked the then Pope to stop their glacier from growing; promising in return that they would all live virtuously. And lo! - the evil glacier did indeed stop growing and eventually started to recede, proving God’s existence beyond doubt.  

So having got what they wanted, a mere 331 years later, the fickle faithful have now changed their minds and asked for their glacier to grow back. 

But instead of risking appearing so indecisive to God, perhaps they should just blow out the previous deal by loosening up, indulging in the seven deadlies and partying more, thus causing God to default on the original 1678 bargain... 

As for their ambition to get his eminence to stick his neck out, SchNEWS reckons they haven’t got a pope in hell...