AND FINALLY

Big Shout Out  to Owen Chir of Hillgrove PR for providing us with this vital story:

British celebrity couple receive top American environmental award

Think the planet’s heading down the tubes with alarming rapidity? Well fear not - this week Sting and his ‘actress’ wife Trudie Styler are heading up the struggle to save our Earth, this fragile bubble of life in an uncaring cosmos. They, along with Bill Clinton, were rewarded for their efforts with a personal presentation of the “Big Fish” award for their “extraordinary contributions to environmental protection”.

But being galactic class stars, there was just no time for tunnelling or tree-sitting in the celebrity couple’s red carpet lifestyle. Trudie’s main contribution to preserving this precious green oasis from the maniacal energies of industro-capitalism has been to launch a range of ready meals, which “in keeping with their philosophy of staying lean and green despite their jet-setting lifestyle” come with a ...wait for it “delicious non-heat-treated sauce and a potato side dish”. Now if that doesn’t avert full-blown Ecogeddon then we don’t know what will.

Allegedly concocted at the kitchen table of Sting’s fuck-off massive mansion in Wiltshire, the dinners are intended “as a boon for busy professionals who enjoy wholesome fresh food, but don’t have time to prepare it themselves after a long day”.

We at SchNEWS can only salute such selfless dedication to the biosphere and wish to remind the happy couple “Every move you make, every step you take - we’ll be watching you”