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Beach Bummers Boozy Bottleneck | Life's a Beach | Free For All Parties | Crap Arrest... | UNCORPORATION | Blanc Cheque | SchNEWS in Brief | Positive SchNEWS | Sick As A Paraguay | ...and finally...

The Anus - If it’s happening...it’s up The Anus!

Beach Bummers Boozy Bottleneck

REVELLERS partied the night away on Brighton seafront last Saturday to the sound of overhead police helicopter display teams, traffic chaos, stranded emergency vehicles and the ecstatic screams of a quarter of a million happily crushed ravers.

The event, hosted by the Big Beached Buttock, featured the huge talent of disk jockey Fate By Slime who played some records to approximately 3000 people in front of Brighton West Pier. Meanwhile the remaining 247,000 party-goers looked on in awe and jubilation, but couldn’t hear a bloody thing.

Party animals had been bussed in from as far afield as the Highlands of Scotland where whole hillsides had been cleared of trees and vegetation to make way for huge billboard posters for the event of the century. Welsh revellers talked of sheep that had been used as walking adverts for the gig with directions written in Welsh and English branded onto their once snow white bodies. Council ‘helper’ Simone Franchise stated that the massive advertising campaign had been essential in order to make the Flat Boy Scam gig the huge success that it was: “Everyone knows that an event of this magnitude has to be hugely over-attended. Some people have moaned about litter and broken glass on the beach but let's face it, where do you think all that rubbish came from? Mostly from our shops and therefore using our beach as a landfill site is good for business and good for everyone in Brighton.”

Life’s a Beach

Despite a handful of tragedies relating to the event, the police immediately ruled out any talk of an enquiry into the fantastically financially successful maritime pop show. Police spokesman Superindented Death Ray stated that the problems relating to the salty extravaganza were ‘fairly obvious’ and an inquiry would tell organisers nothing they did not already know about the event. Luckily there had been only one death relating directly to the event and a mere 160 injuries during the night and as such the event had been ‘as safe as houses.’ Death added that having 250,000 drunk people and children trapped on a darkened Brighton beach in dangerously overcrowded conditions surrounded by broken glass and urine and unattended by emergency services was ‘character building’, creating a sense of community and togetherness reminiscent of the Blitz. Eyewitness reports that anarchy broke out as revellers threw bottles into the crowd and at emergency personnel have been dismissed as ‘unproductive’ criticism. As a result of the spectacular safety record and outstanding organisational skills displayed throughout Saturday evening by the police, officials felt questions raised by a handful of moaning locals were largely irrelevant. Brighton and Hove Council agreed whole-heartedly as did event organisers Big Beached Blunder.

Free for all party

Event Organisers The Big Blunder joined forces with the council and police to stress that in no way should the Filled By Slime gig be confused with the illegal free parties that have historically occurred on Brighton and Shoreham beaches. “We have gone to great lengths to stamp out the scourge that is the local free party scene; that cancerous rash that blights our cultural landscape should in no way be confused with legitimate council-backed beach-trashing events, all of which are wonderful and never go wrong”. Council spokesthing Simian Fanfare added that “The council only supports events that are much, much larger and more corporate than free parties and therefore better. More mindless consumers visiting Brighton means more beer and chips being sold everywhere, as well as silly hats, sales of which have gone through the roof, and that’s very important for our City of Culture Bid.” Mr Fiasco also pointed out that the costs of policing this particular event as well as the impact of a quarter of a million guests descending on the city meant the event was far from free to local residents - unlike the vast majority of free parties which have done nothing to improve the corporate worth of Brand Brighton.

Meanwhile free party organisers are said to be fleeing the country in fear of their lives as Brighton Council death squads are being mobilised to further enforce their ‘say no to unlicensed fun’ campaign. One free party organiser who prefers to remain nameless stated that: “We’re being persecuted because we keep throwing underground free parties for a few hundred locals without adequate advertising. Several of our crew were arrested last weekend for picking up litter and giving away free water to party-goers at an unlicensed free party. When they were eventually released, all they could do was dribble while reciting the Brighton and Hove mission statement over and over again.” The drugged up squat rave organiser later added that “Finding sites with adequate parking well away from the public scrutiny has just got us in the worst kind of trouble – maybe in future we should just organise Dresden style leaflet drops and invite everyone to come and piss on our beach; it seems to work OK for the council.”

After the unmitigated success of the gig on the beach, DJ Fete Boy (real name Naomi Coke) spent the remainder of the night guzzling Champagne and playing even more records for all of his celebrity friends in an exclusive Brighton nightspot. In the small hours, the exhausted DJ and his beautiful wife were whisked away in a limousine to their sparkling luxury condominium love pad with its private beach, which remains, as ever, beautifully clean.

Meanwhile, some people in our lovely new broken-glass-sparkly City, the ones who actually do useful jobs like clean the litter and look after sick people, have complained that they can’t actually afford to live here anymore. Some even joined the nationwide strike on Wednesday, complaining, “It’s time they (the Council) decided whether this is a playground for Londoners or a city for its own people.” Council spokesperson Simpering Fanatic told the Anus “Why don’t the poor people all just fuck off to Hastings?”

Crap Arrest of the Week

For having the wrong views!
Late last year, American high school student Katie Sierra was suspended for 3 days after she tried to start an anarchy club. Now a jury has decided that the school was wrong to ban an anarchy club, but right to suspend her for proposing it in the wake of the September 11th attacks! The jury also sided with the school’s ban on some of Katie’s homemade T-shirts, one of which read, “When I saw the dead and dying Afghani children on TV, I felt a newly recovered sense of national security. God Bless America.” The jury apparently felt that such messages “disrupted” other students’ patriotic brainwashing, er, education - although students are routinely allowed to wear shirts that blatantly display corporate logos, slogans, and messages.

UNCORPORATION

Hundreds of angry Nigerian women have pulled off something we here in the West can only dream of - they’ve managed to shut down a huge multinational oil company’s operations for nearly two weeks, armed with nothing but their bare hands. On Monday, July 8th, a band of women from the Ugborodo and Arutan tribes in southern Nigeria pirated a ChevronTexaco staff ferry to sneak into the company’s Escravos pipeline terminal. The unarmed women have occupied the terminal ever since, stopping exports and trapping about 700 workers, including Americans, Britons, Canadians and Nigerians, inside. The women are demanding that ChevronTexaco hire more local workers, and provide water, electricity, schools and clinics for their villages, some of which are less than 100 yards from the terminal. The women are angered that previous company promises to transform the villages surrounding the facility into modern towns have not been realized. On Wednesday (10th), about 100 police and soldiers armed with assault rifles were sent to the terminal to protect the facility, but Anunu Uwawah, one of the women occupying the building, said the women weren’t intimidated by security forces. “If we die, Chevron will die with us,” she said. The women began talks with senior ChevronTexaco management in Nigeria on Friday (12th) after days of false starts, but Uwawah and other leaders in the group say they wouldn’t leave the terminal until the company commits to hiring people from the neighbouring villages and helps them build better infrastructure.

* As of Wednesday, July 17th, various newsgroups are reporting that women from the Ijaw tribe have now occupied four ChevronTexaco oil facilities in the same area as the Escravos oil terminal, which is still occupied by the same kick-ass group of Ugborodo and Arutan women.

* In Mexico, hundreds of irate farmers armed with machetes and petrol bombs and holding 10 hostages are protesting against plans to build a new international airport outside of Mexico City. Why do the farmers feel so strongly about the new airport? Because it just so happens that its scheduled location is smack in the middle of their land. In return for the hostages, protestors are demanding that they be allowed to keep their land. Sounds reasonable enough to us, but the pro-business government of Mexican President Vicente Fox has ruled out any changes to its plans to build the £1.3 billion airport.

BLANC CHEQUE

After a three year ban, lorries are once again being allowed to wreak their noxious fumes in the Mont Blanc tunnel. Many lorries ignore posted speed limits, but local police argue they don’t have enough personnel to police speeding vehicles, although they were mysteriously able to rally more than a hundred riot cops to harass a peaceful anti-lorry protest held near the tunnel on June 25th. If you’re interested in getting involved with the anti-truckers, contact noragallieni@mac.com or info@arsmb.com

SchNEWS in brief

• The Community Activism Workshop takes place Saturday 27th with a wide range of speakers from NoBorders to the Social Centres Network. The day is “an opportunity to share practical skills gained through community struggles - to learn from the experiences of others in organising grassroots campaigns and developing effective community activity.” At the Radical Dairy, 47 Kynaston Road, London N16. from 2pm. 07944 586416 www.temporary.org.uk
• Plans for a second nuclear reactor at Hinkley Point (site of the Jubilee free festival on Steart Beach-see SchNews 359) rumble on despite a recent survey conducted by concerned parents which found rates of cancer in the area were four times the national average. There’s a public meeting ‘Stopping the drive for New Nuclear Power Stations’, 7.30pm 25th July, Temple of Peace, Cathays Park, Cardiff 01984 632109 stophinkley@aol.com
• No to GM Crop Commercialisation, protest outside DEFRA. Wednesday 24th 12 noon for a Picnic at Victoria Tower gardens then 2pm demo on the steps of DEFRA, Smiths Sq, Westminster. 020 7272 1586 www.geneticsaction.org.uk
• Genoa - Red Zone anniversary film screenings happening in London (24th July, Ritzy Cinema, Brixton £5), and Glasgow (28th July - Glasgow Film Theatre). Copies will soon be available through www.cultureshop.org
• Local campaigners desperately need help to take direct action to stop a mobile phone mast and access road being erected in Maple, Cheshire. Info 0161 427 7789
• Ecotopia 2002 the annual European environmental festival takes place this year in County Clare, Ireland 10th-24th August. Info 00 353 86 3097622 www.ecotopia2002.org
• For the first time since the Foot and Mouth crisis last year, live animal exports have resumed from UK ports. Protests are being organised. 24 hour hotline live export hotline 01730 237379 www.ciwf.org.uk
• Want to check out what happens at Fylingdales – which could soon be home to Star Wars II? Check out www.fylingdales.ukf.net
• Ladyfest London (August 1st-4th) is a celebration of the achievements of women, primarily in music and the arts. With the exception of some workshops, the festival is open to women and men alike, with highlights including performances by The Gossip, The Haggard, Gertrude, and Sara Dougher. www.ladyfestlondon.org
• The trial of campaigners arrested at Simon Jones Memorial Campaign occupation of Euromin Docks in December last year takes place 29th-31st July in Worthing. The protesters who are accused of “besetting” would like support and are asking campaigners to meet at 8am at Brighton Station at the start of each day to travel together to Worthing Court. www.simonjones.org.uk
• The Americans are coming!! Okay, just one. A surprisingly anti-American one. On July 30th, political artist Seth Tobocman will visit Brighton to do a slide show of his work and talk about his life and times as a New York squatter. His kick-ass books include “War in the Neighbourhood” and “You Don’t Have to Fuck People Over to Survive.” For venue info (still being sorted out), contact sethtobocmaninbrighton@hotmail.com

Positive SchNEWS

At the end of May, a Football Association Commission granted the owners of Wimbledon FC permission to relocate to Milton Keynes. Wimbledon, the fairy tale football club that had gone from non-league to FA Cup winners, had been without a home for years and was now being moved lock stock and barrel to a site 70 miles away. Six weeks later, disgruntled fans set up a new club called AFC Wimbledon, found a new place to ground share and a new league to play in, had 230 hopefuls turning up for trials on Wimbledon Common, sold 600 season tickets and had nearly 5,000 fans cheering them on at their first match, a friendly against Sutton. One fan commented “This is something very special here; A cottage industry in the middle of a globalised trading estate. A corner shop perched between hypermarkets. A community football club in the midst of greed and desperation.” The new AFC Wimbledon will be kicking off a season-long boycott of their old club with a human chain round Selhurst Park on the first game against Gillingham. www.afcwimbledon.co.uk

Not This Time – the Story of the Simon Jones Memorial Campaign, film showing in Brighton this Sunday as part of a nationwide tour. The film will be followed by a discussion with members of the Memorial Campaign and the film ‘Globalisation and The Media’ by Undercurrents. 7.30pm, Sussex Arts Club, Ship Street. Entrance is free.

SICK AS A PARAGUAY

The people of Paraguay, pissed off with their corrupt government and their collapsing economy, took to the streets last week calling for the President to resign. Protected by the army and police officers with water cannons, the president responded on Monday by declaring a 5-day state of emergency which allowed the government to ban demonstrations, search homes and arrest hundreds of individuals. At least 2 people have been killed.

Paraguay is the latest of the South American countries to be crumbling under pressure from the International Monetary Fund, who’ve been telling them to privatise their public services in order to make their loan repayments. Massive opposition to such tactics has meant that privatisation plans have been put on the back burner. Instead the government are now turning to the World Bank for a loan which will plunge them even further into debt. Check out the latest at http://argentina.indymedia.org/ (but you gotta speak Spanish!!)

and finally...

Corrupt, lying, dodgy Freemasons deserve human rights too! That’s the claim made by the United Grand Lodge, the London headquarters of the secret brotherhood. With no apparent sense of irony the funny hand shake brigade is planning on using the Human Rights Act to stop the government making freemasons in public office declare that they are on the ‘square’ – or is that the make. Here at SchNEWS we had this strange idea that the Human Rights Act might give people a bit of leverage against the powers that run our lives and NOT be used by pro-establishment secret societies to cover up their shady deals- especially ones with initiation rituals pretty similar to the Cosa Nostra. So don’t go kissing any freemasons as ya don’t know what their hands have been shaking.

Disclaimer
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