CRAP ALCHEMIST OF THE WEEK

A Belfast man ended up with a 3 month jail sentence after an, er, rather unusual attempt to create gold. Rather than use base metals, as many an ancient sage had tried and failed, Paul Moran decided to use his own poo. Unfortunately he left his shit (or ‘fertiliser’ as he referred to it) unattended on a heater for too long, starting a fire that caused £3,000 worth of damage to his flat.

In court the judge said “It was an interesting experiment to fulfil the alchemist’s dream, but wasn’t going to succeed.” At least he did manage to turn his turds into comedy gold though.