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Pentagon Calls In Hollywood's Finest Brains
By Robert Newtown
THE PENTAGON WILL TODAY announce a series of national security
measures resulting from emergency summit meetings with Hollywood
scriptwriters. After September the 11th, the best brains in
Hollywood were called into the Pentagon to predict what tactics
the terrorists will take next and to envisage possible terrorist
The Pentagon announcement is expected to echo the Hollywood strategists'
suggestion that, following their attack on the World Trade Centre,
Al Qa'ida may, in an effort to gain funds for their terror campaign,
turn their sights onto other major sources of US capital. In particular
the Pentagon communique warns of a daring, carefully-orchestrated
night-time heist of not one but three Las Vegas casinos. This attack,
it is thought, would involve short-circuiting the city's electricity
supply and getting a Chinese acrobat to somersault past the infra-red
detectors in the safe-deposit vaults.
Sources close to the Pentagon claim that particular attention was
also given to another possibility: that of bombs being placed on
buses and triggered to go off if the speed falls below fifty miles
per hour. Citizens are advised that in these situations all newly-qualified
female drivers should give the wheel to any cute-looking young slacker
male who happens to be onboard. The briefing also urges US public
works departments to signpost more clearly those bits of uncompleted
motorway flyover which stop in mid-air half-way.
There have already been successes as a result of film-industry
assistance in security matters. Following a tip-off from leading
Hollywood producers, Camp X-ray guards in Guantanemo Bay immediately
took down one Al Qa'ida prisoner's Britney Spears poster and discovered
it to conceal a long tunnel which had been scooped out by a spoon
(hidden inside a Koran). The tunnel led to a boat being repaired
by Tim Robbins and Samuel L Jackson.
The meeting has, however, left Defence staff with a sense of the
full magnitude of the task they now face. Of single greatest concern
following the brainstorming conference is that Saudi-trained scientists,
loyal to Al Qa'ida but resident in the United States, may develop
the capability of using a Delorean car or old steam-train (powered
by lightning hitting a small-town church steeple) to go back in
time. This would enable Al Qa'ida to replace Thomas Jefferson with
Mullah Mohammed Omar. The terrorists plan is then to re-write the
US Declaration of Independence to read 'Death to the infidels, Allah
achbar.' Most chillingly of all is that, were this plan to succeed,
the first that most US citizens will know about it, will be when
they find themselves surrounded by religious fundamentalists in
a terrorist rogue state led by the unelected son of an oil billionaire.....
yet think this state of affairs COMPLETELY NORMAL!!!!