Home | Friday 1st April 2005 | Issue 491

WAKE UP!!! IT'S YER PINCH 'N' PUNCH

SchNEWS
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Story Links:
ROCK THE CRADLE | Gleneagles Goes Bananas | Bull in a China Shop | We're all Going on a Summer Holiday | SchNEWS SchMOVIE | Crap Arrest of the Week | Going Overground | SchNEWS in Brief | Positive SchNEWS | The Future's Orange | ...and finally...

ROCK THE CRADLE

We in the West have sat by and watched as Africa’s share of the global economy has halved in the last 20 years - thanks to gobbleisation. Despite the optimism of Live Aid, Africa has got poorer and poorer - due to free trade and the rigging of world commodity markets. This is now a continent with 15% of the world’s population and 28% of world poverty - poverty which has made the effects of AIDS much worse than it might have been, and 26 million are now living with the virus. Well, some of us have had enough...

On the twentieth anniversary year of that Live Aid concert, Sir Bob Geldof, Bono and their pals, Elton John, Chris Martin, Phil Collins and Paul McCartney are leading a project which goes further than just “Drop 3rd World Debt’ - they’re actually going to start paying the debts from their own pockets! Launching the campaign, called “Sponsor A Third World country”, Geldof said, “How else do you stop fecking global poverty from your Surrey mansion? It’s a win-win situation because the poor are helped, and global capitalism can carry on too. And we’ll sell a few records on the back of it.” Paul McCartney has already helped by chipping in to cover Tanzania’s $130million yearly debt payment, Rod Stewart is offering to pick up the tab on Swaziland’s overdraft, and Elton John will be moving to a new palatial residence in newly acquired Botswana as soon as the cheque clears. Sting has said that he “wants to help countries which love music – like the people in the Amazon who stick a CD through their throat”. The record companies are apparently happy to tap into the burgeoning ‘anti-poverty-rock’ market.

But all this generosity could soon be dwarfed by a tsunami of relief if this latest celeb trend crosses the Atlantic. Hollywood insiders suggest left-leaning actors may be about to lead a star-studded stampede on the poorest nations, as they race each other to acquire the hottest status symbol accessory going - the role of ‘saviour’ to a whole country. Big names are in talks to include free AIDS drugs on new DVD releases in Africa and George Clooney was allegedly recently seen stepping off a plane in Chad. African styled clothing is tipped to make a big splash on America’s catwalks this coming season. Watch this space. Not.

Gleneagles Goes Bananas

The luxury golf resort north of Edinburgh, Gleneagles, all set to host this year’s G8 summit in July is to get new tropical gardens for the event. The curators of the resort claim that with global warming and record high CO2 levels in the atmosphere, it is hoped that the new projected temperature increases can be used to grow tropical species in Perthshire.

Initially the gardens will need heating, but experts say that in twenty years this area will be able to support tropical plants for the first time in 30,000 years. But don’t expect the new gardens will be there forever because it’s also estimated that the gulf stream will have stopped by 2050, plunging the luxury golf resort into permanent arctic conditions – by which time Gleneagles will have shifted it’s focus from golf to skiing. Zoologists say that in July during the G8 summit Gleneagles will be swarming with parrots and monkeys.

Bull In A China Shop

One country left out at the G8 party – but not for too much longer - is China. For a long time the Chinese government have not been interested in joining the G8 because it was seen as ‘too liberal and wishy-washy’ to work with – but recently they are saying that the new draconian laws which have come to G8 countries since 9/11 are making them almost totalitarian enough for China to see eye-to-eye with.

The Chinese development minister is quoted as saying: “these days every country has got skeletons in the closet – and dissidents incarcerated – and so we start to look quite moderate. I’m sure we can agree with countries like Britain or the US on the need to keep a tight rein on politically active citizens who try to take things into their own hands.” Speculation that there could be a G8 summit and other big business gatherings in China sometime soon has given the five-star hotel resort market in China a big shot in the arm.

We’re All Going On A Summit Holiday

At this year’s G8 summit in Gleneagles security chiefs are trying a novel idea. To make sure there’s not another protest like Genoa in 2001, when police shot a demonstrator, £20 million is to be spent putting on free charter flights for protesters during the summit, leaving from Gleneagles Air Strip to faraway exotic locations.

The existing security budget is already £150 million so it’s figured that the extra money will be a small price to pay to give the protesters a nice holiday and keep them away so the summit can go on. It’s still to be decided where the destinations for the protesters will be but the likely targets could be barmy Burma, sunny Western Sahara or hairy Azerbaijan – but wherever they go they will be allowed to continue their protests and take on the local paramilitary force. SchNEWS warns all protesters taking up the offer – check the tickets don’t say ‘Guantanamo’ or ‘Bagram’.

CRAP ARREST OF THE WEEK

For going bang!
Two teenagers were arrested for threatening behaviour when the Queen visited Wakefield last week. The pair burst balloons as the royals arrived in the city. Apparently the Queen was unaware of the incident - and even if she was, as she’s regularly in the countryside shooting small defenceless animals with high powered shotguns, SchNEWS is sure a couple of popping balloons wouldn’t frighten her…

Going Overground

Ah the beauty of British law…if someone proposes a major public works project which might affect the environment and people’s quality of life, the project can be examined by a “Public Inquiry”. A combination of the judiciary and experts are drafted in to carefully weigh up all the evidence and ascertain whether the project is necessary and really does bring public benefits…if they support the enterprise all well and good – you can use it to weaken any opposition to the scheme - and if they don’t…well you can always just ignore their findings.

Consider, for example, the largest urban road building scheme in the country: the M74 extension. The Scottish Executive’s plan to build 6 miles of elevated motorway right across Glasgow at a cost of £250m was challenged by a range of groups (now formulated into JAM74 – Joint Action against the M74) aware that new roads rarely reduce congestion, have negative environmental effects and bring few benefits for locals. In fact, the main beneficiaries are usually the building contractors, whose eyes light up like fruit machines at the prospect of so much easy cash, and of course their mates the local government officials, who certainly don’t need bribing to hand out the contracts and almost never have any financial interests in the building firms themselves.

In light of the growing opposition, the matter was referred to Public Inquiry in 2003. Despite seeming less than independent – all personnel were selected by the McGovernment – they reported their findings in March 2004 and overwhelmingly came out against the scheme. Now, in March 2005, the Scottish Executive has announced their intention to press on and build the unwanted road for, er…£500m. A triumph for democracy and a bargain to boot! That’s not to say this is the final bill – the Glasgow Herald recently reported it may cost up to £1 billion…Millennium Dome anyone?

Dave Spaven of TRANSform Scotland (a campaign for sustainable transport, part of the JAM74 coalition) said, “The Executive’s decision to press ahead…despite the specific recommendation of the Inquiry Reporters…is a scandal.” Will Jess, Chair of JAM74 adds, “The Executive and the City Council have condemned Glaswegians to a legacy of air pollution and chromium contamination. JAM74 is not going away, hundreds of objectors to this road have signed our ‘beat the bulldozer’ pledges and we will challenge this decision in the courts.” If that doesn’t work, it seems to SchNEWS that (direct) actions will have to speak louder than (official) words…

* Next JAM74 meeting is 5 April, 7:30pm, Govanhill Community Centre, Daisy St, Glasgow. www.jam74.org

* In an effort to bury bad news at Easter when we were all too busy stuffing our faces with chocolate, the Department for Transport announced that twelve new roads are to be added to the roads programme. Totalling £1.38 billion it includes the M1 widening from Chesterfield to Leeds, and the M62 from Huddersfield to Leeds.  This is despite the Highways Agency being asked to look at ‘traffic management’ for these schemes.  Also the A11 in Attleborough, Norfolk (a widening of a failed bypass) was given the go-ahead. Recently published, but buried, figures on the DfT website show that to produce their 30 year plan, they made the assumption that by 2025 traffic would grow by 40%, over 4000 kms of trunk roads would be built, and that the cost of motoring would fall... business as usual then.

Road Block 01803 847649 www.roadblock.org.uk

SchNEWS in brief

• Meeting against ID Cards in London this Sunday (3rd) 2pm at Bankside House directly behind Tate Modern 0795 123 7015 southwark@no2id.net
• Wanna be a clown? The Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army are in training for the G8 protests every Monday evening for 6 weeks, beginning next Monday 4th April. Pie throwing will commence at the Ramparts Social Centre, 17 Rampart street E1 2LA (Aldgate East/Whitechapel tube) 7-9pm www.clownarmy.org
• Art imitating life? As part of the pre-election Bob Dodds satirical party at Brighton’s Concorde II next Wednesday (6th), check out ‘One for Sorrow’ – a black comedy about a local recycling company being shafted by a huge incinerator corporation. Which sounds er, amazingly like Brighton firm Magpie being shafted by the Council planned incinerator at Newhaven – only with more jokes!
• New regulations concerning the addition of fluoride to water come into effect today. They protect water companies against civil and criminal liability and outline (non) consultations that have to be held before ordering our water to be poisoned. In fluoridated areas people are already withholding bill payments and water companies are not suing them as they are desperate to keep the whole issue hushed. www.fluoridealert.org
• Next Weds (6th) There’s a Peanuts4benefits Campaign day of action outside Job Centres across the country www.peanuts4benefits.co.uk
• ‘Pumping Poverty’ is a new report looking into British overseas aid that funds oil development. And guess who benefits? Yep, the wealthiest corporations. Read it in full www.planb.org
• India’s TUC have called a 3-day general strike across the country. Since Wednesday only State owned business has remained open. See http://india.indymedia.org
• The campaign against the planned fourth runway at Gatwick is set to receive a Scandinavian boost. Rekjavik Earth First, satisfied that everything in their country is ecologically A-OK is planning a sortie to the UK. Ølaf Øzønføkkersøn spokesviking for the group told Schnews “We’re looking forward to showing you English how it’s done - climate change is the biggest threat facing the planet today and we’re inviting groups to join us when we arrive at Heathrow next week”. Contact Thompson Holidays for more details.
  

Positive SchNEWS

Zines are the ultimate in DIY self-made, independent publications covering everything from the personal to band interviews, ones full of poetry or your favourite footy team. If you love ‘em then get along to the first ever London Zine Symposium on April 16th where there will be stalls, films, exhibitions and workshops on the zine tricks of the trade like DIY distribution, web design, t-shirt customizing, tricks and scams. It’s at 76 Gower Street, London (Goodge St tube) 2-8 pm and is free entry. www.londonzinesymposium.org.uk

The Future's Orange

It’s been a bad month for the Vietnamese. Well its been a bad three decades since their friendly visits from “Uncle Sam”, but hey. In early March a US judge threw out a case against a number of chemical manufacturers (including Monsanto and Dow Chemicals) brought by VAVA, an international campaign to gain justice and compensation for Agent Orange victims, the judge saying “There is no basis for any of the claims of the plaintiffs under the domestic law of any nation or state or under any form of international law.” Well, that’s all right then.

The US government has consistently refused any moral or legal responsibility for the dumping of millions of gallons of highly poisonous dioxin-based Agent Orange on Vietnam between 1962 and 1971, although this itself was against ‘international law’ – the Geneva Convention 1925 ban on chemical weapons.

Ever growing evidence is pointing at the huge dioxin-related health problems emerging from the country – up to a million people with serious health problems (Hodgkin’s Disease,  Multiple Myleoma, Respiratory Cancers, Prostate Cancer, Spina Bifida, Diabetes, Chronic and Lymphocytic Leukemia are just some of the conditions associated with Agent Orange - on the Amercian Veterans’ own website). This figure includes 150,000 children born with major birth defects, and levels of bloodstream toxicity measured at 200 times the recommended “safe” levels. The US has stuck to its “there’s no evidence” defense and refused all claims for compensation. In 2003, Bill Clinton belatedly agreed to fund some scientific research into the issue – which a few weeks ago was cancelled. So, Uncle Sam, as ever, says to anyone on the receiving end of their crimes against humanity - “Screw you!”

Sign the “Justice for Victims of Agent Orange” petition at www.petitiononline.com/AOVN/

For more background info: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/227467.stm

...and finally...

In possibly the least covert action in Animal Liberation history, a conjuror’s rabbit was pinched in the middle of his act. One lucky bunny this Easter was Georgina, freed from a life of bright lights, confined spaces and a buffoon pulling handkerchiefs out of his nose.

The “Great Velcro”- Mr Lynn Thomas - was said to have “come unstuck” at the news that “Hey, Presto!” Georgina had permanently disappeared.

Lynn, 61, a royalist sycophant who has performed for the Queen Mum (before she died presumably) said: “I was in the middle of my act when I saw this shadow out the corner of my eye fumbling with my top hat, then someone from the audience came up to me and said ‘Was that man supposed to run off with your rabbit?’”

To make a rabbit disappear is old hat, but both hat and rabbit - Now that’s magic!

The cunningly disguised dreadlocked thief disappeared into the night with a cry of “You’ll like this, but not a lot…” The Great Velcro was understandably ‘sad’ with this loss of, what was apparently, his fourth rabbit. SchNEWS would like to know if anyone knows what became of any of his previous rabbits - to misquote Oscar Wilde: “To lose one rabbit might be a misfortune, but to lose four sounds like a conspiracy.”

According to an anonymous postcard received by SchNEWS, Georgina is planning a permanent retirement from show business.

Disclaimer
SchNEWS warns all readers we’ve always got a trick up our sleeve , don’t pull our punches an’, well’ yer just gotta take yer hat off to us for such magical puns! Honest.

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